Ah, India. A land of vibrant colors, rich culture, and a cuisine so spicy it might just bring tears to your eyes. But there’s one thing India has been notoriously shy about showing the world: toilets. Or rather, the lack of them. Let’s be real—if there were an Olympic event for holding it in until you find a bathroom, India would take home the gold, silver, and bronze. And the unfortunate part? That gold medal is probably a glorified squatting spot behind a bush.

The Toilet Hunt: A Modern-Day Safari

India’s lack of public toilets is the stuff of legend. A typical day in the bustling streets of Delhi or Mumbai is akin to embarking on a treasure hunt. But instead of searching for gold, you’re on a quest for something far more valuable—basic human dignity.

You may spot a sign that reads “Toilet This Way.” You follow the arrows, hearts filled with hope and dreams of relief. But alas, you end up in front of what can only be described as a “resting area for stray cats.” It’s a nope zone—definitely not the oasis you were envisioning.

India is a country that invented the concept of zero, but apparently, when it comes to the number of public toilets, we’re still working with a solid “1” on the scoreboard.

Squat or Get Squatted: The Art of the Squat Toilet

If you’re lucky enough to find a public restroom, you might be greeted by something that looks like it was designed in a lab by an angry engineer: the squat toilet. It’s not just a toilet; it’s a test of balance, flexibility, and faith. You’ve got to squat like a yoga guru while hoping your knees don’t lock and send you toppling over into the abyss.

Forget the “sitting down comfortably with your phone” experience. In India, it’s all about that authentic “I’m one with nature” feeling as you crouch down, praying that your coordination is better than your luck.

And let’s not even talk about the local special—a small hole in the ground in what could technically be classified as a “bathroom” by the most generous of standards. To say these are “rustic” is an understatement. They’re “wild.” If you survive it, you’re a warrior.

The ‘Secret’ Toilet Club

Sometimes, it’s not about searching the streets for a toilet. It’s about knowing the secret places where you might find a working restroom. Think of it as the VIP section of the bathroom world.

You could try and sneak into the nearest upscale hotel or café and hope they don’t spot you as the “we’re not really buying anything, but definitely using your bathroom” person. But be warned, if you don’t look like you’re ordering the $20 latte, the staff might give you a look that says, “You’re not fooling anyone.”

Your best bet? Befriending a local. If you can make it into someone’s home (or even their backyard), you might just experience what it feels like to use an actual, functioning toilet—hopefully with a seat, too.

The Sizzling, Sensational Toilet Struggles on the Road

The situation gets even more complicated when you’re traveling outside the big cities. Now, you’re truly in uncharted territory—literally. Roadside “toilets” (I use the term lightly) are as rare as finding Wi-Fi in a remote village. And when you do find one, it’s likely to be a “public facility” that’s basically a four-walled box with a giant hole in the middle, where one hopes the “natural fertilizer” works its magic. Ah, the charm of rustic rural life!

But here’s the real kicker: You’ll probably see a sign that says “Toilet Coming Soon,” but spoiler alert: You’ll be long gone before it’s ever “coming.”

The Government’s Toilet Story: Building Dreams (and Toilets)

In recent years, the Indian government has been on a mission to fix this situation with the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan (Clean India Mission). The goal: to build more toilets, so people don’t have to “go” in public. While significant progress has been made—thousands of toilets have been built—many still lack access to functioning facilities.

But let’s not forget that the number of toilets is like the number of Wi-Fi signals—just because it’s available doesn’t mean it’s easy to find.

Conclusion: The Great Toilet Dilemma

Toilets in India are like rare Pokemon. When you find one, you feel victorious. When you don’t, well… good luck holding it in. It’s a struggle, sure, but it’s one that many Indians face with resilience and humor. Because in India, when life gives you no toilets, you learn to squat, improvise, and turn it into a story you’ll be telling your grandchildren… who will hopefully have access to a toilet by then.

Until then, good luck on your next bathroom hunt. Stay strong, fellow travelers. The toilet will come… eventually.